PATIENCE
9821 days
thump thump
the chill of anxiety crawls all over my skin
i lie here waiting
unable to sleep for the thousandth time
i'm thinking of you
who are you?
your silhouette is something i've imagined to be from a movie
the face that you carry rivaling a lap as it lights up my life
all i know is darkness
pain
talking to my therapist i realized how much i could resent you
where were you?
those nights i went through
my being being swallowed and spit out
the hollows in my eyes becoming even barer
in my life i needed you
i didn't know i needed you
until now
now, i understand when, how and why
i resent you for taking so long
there's all this built up within me that i have to figure out
trauma
everyday i work through that
each moment i'm in your presence i do what i can
i don't want to hurt you
you deserve the best
so as i laid there i thought
what is your name
i would give anything to hear your name
i knew it
to see and understand whom i was waiting for
patience
26 years,10 months, 19 days
did you ever think of me?
as i thought of you?
curious, had you ever felt my love
doubtful
since i was a teenager the idea of you never escaped my mind
before you
i knew nothing
my life was a mix of calamity and humor
lying awake each night
wondering
how could you do this
where could you be
if i had known you life would be simple
the things i've witnessed
put me on the stand
allow me to testify
for all those star-crossed lovers that they never see the same
yet
i resent you for that
well
i have
waking up the other day i thought about you
now that i have a feeling
i thought about these sleepless nights as i began to draw your face in my mind
322 months, 19 days
my therapist asked me what i'm afraid of
i'm afraid of losing you when i find you
i'm so scared of you leaving and knowing me
my world
my life
left at the same time
my therapist asks me if i want to get married and what that looks like
i open my teenage mind and speak of magic and wonder
the dreams i've spent hours avoiding anything else so i can live in those thoughts
surprise you
i'd love to
catch you so off guard you don't know which emotion to feel
auto-pilot
feel everything
i know i want to get that opportunity
how i thought of it
take my dreams
recreate everything i thought would be
i still am curious
what's your name?
i know your name now
each night i bear nightmares of me being without you
my mind has known about you for so long
it doesn't want to lose you
1403 weeks
i find it funny that my therapist, friends and family tell me i'm awful at one thing
patience
i can't sit still
antsy
need results now
i disagree with all of them
all of you
patience isn't my worst virtue or trait
i tell myself it's my best
whomever you are
the woman i dream about
my dear love
you and only you
should know i did resent you
i did
you weren't there
past tense
but now
now you are here
i get to wake up beside you every day
i love you in all the ways i have dreamt
i understand
the idea that
i resented you because i didn't know you
now that you're here
i get it
i had to go through that pain
those nights
all the tears
to do one thing
prepare me to love you
it's you
Samantha Marie
it's always been you
235,704 hours
14,142,240 minutes
848,534,400 seconds
i've been prepared for you
the face i always wanted to see is yours
it's your silhouette that I imagined
you light up the room i'm in
my heart is on fire when i see you
when i kiss you
i could collapse
my pain led me here
my suffering allows me to love you deeper
please
don't ever tell me i'm bad at the p-word
patience
i have been patient
i've waited my whole life for you, Samantha
now that you're here
i want nothing else than to be with you
your laugh
your smile
your brain
your kids
i want them all
patience isn't something i am bad at
it's run out
i spent my life being patient for you
that patience kept me sane
gave me hope
so now i can look you in the face
and tell you that
it's you
i love you
i've loved you before i knew you
time
time well spent
3/9/1992 > 1/28/2019 the moment you walked into that classroom my patience ran out
i want to spend my life with you
now that i know who you are
i'm in love with you
thank you for taking your time so i could be ready for you
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